Random gifts

Gastroparesis, in least in the way I experience it, seems so random. Today was one of those days, which are few and far between, when I have felt hungry for every meal, and am eagerly awaiting the next one. (I am making split pea soup as I write).
Although I am about to contradict that I said it is "random", I am realizing it seems that every Wednesday I am hungry. Hmmmm. . . Often Friday I have the "stuck" feeling. Hmmm, hmmm and hmmm again! What is it about Wednesdays that causes a better flow? Perhaps I can put the credit on NIA; the wonderful dance/ yoga/ exercise class I do each Wednesday morning that focuses on both the  mind and the body. The way I move in that class, in circular and creative ways, is a much different movement than my usual run or walk. Or maybe I should attribute it to Mike's music from the night before: Tuesday nights I go watch my talented husband either play the drums or vibraphone at a local coffee shop; a relaxing and mindless activity. Or perhaps I feel good on Wednesday as it is "hump day" and I have made it through half of the work week. But then this would not make sense as to why, often on Fridays, my stomach feels "stuck". An overload from the week? Are there trends other days? I would also generalize that Saturdays and Mondays are more likely to be "stuck" days while Sundays seem to be better "flowing". This is odd, and how much is this completely random, and how much is the likelihood there are patterns?
This all being said you may see why is is difficult to explain to people what I can eat. Wednesdays I may be able to have a salad dotted with colorful accouterments, or a few bites of pasta and sauce, while Friday may be veggie broth with a trace of carrots and spinach.
This is also why I am hesitant to make reservations at a restaurant, or meal plans with friends and family. I never know, until that day, what my stomach will be.
While I used to seek total control over my body when experiencing an eating disorder, I now must accept that I have little control. This is probably a good lesson for me, but certainly not easy. My personality type is more one of seeking control over things. While it is hard to see the positive aspects of gastroparesis, perhaps it is giving me the gift of flexibility. 

Vertiginous Spiral of Guilt

It is a lovely evening, as I sit with my sister Sarah, my nephew Aggie, and a friend of Sarah’s from college, Stella, and her husband and young daughter. We are at Duende, a restaurant in Burlington. We are enjoying the live music being played by my husband Mike and company, as we sit around a table talking. The waiter comes to the table, bringing along the menus. He announces that tonight the specialty is Ethiopian food.

He passes out the menus to each of us, and I watch as the adults open the menu and “oooh” and “ahh” over the plethora of unique choices. I choose not to open my menu, knowing tonight I will not be able to order any of this food. My stomach is in what I call “recovery”: when it is recovering from a “stuck” episode. That means I must eat with care, to keep it improving and to have it return to my normalcy.

I knew that when I suggested we go here, I would not be able to eat. Two days ago, after returning from a long car ride and trip, I was very hungry, much to my likeness. With some elan, I had made myself my favorite salad, and had a few bites of Mike’s cheesy pizza.  Perhaps the salad I made was too large; or that it contained two much cheese or nuts. The next day I woke up with that ugly “hungover” stomach feeling, with some nauseous feelings and discomfort. Now, two days later, I was still being careful not to upset this lymphatic organ of mine.

The group discussed what to order. It was decided a smorgasbord of items would be ordered, as the group was eager to try a variety of the inimitable foods.

“Since there are 5 of us adults and 2 children, we could probably order 5 main courses and a few appetizers,” suggested Stella.

I spoke up, “Actually I am okay- I am not going to have anything,” I said.

Slightly addled, Stella glanced up from her menu. “Oh, okay? Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I responded, “Thank you”.

It is in moments like these, with people I do not know so well, that I debate whether to speak up and become limpid about my digestive condition, or to remain quiet, with a cryptic silence.

Suddenly, a memory dawned on me that lead me to be fashed. It was 11 years earlier. Sarah and her partner were living in cooperative housing in Somerville Massachusetts with a bunch of their fellow recent college graduates.   I had spent the evening at their apartment, socializing and participating in the evening meal.

The next day, Sarah called me. “Rae,” she said, using my middle hypocorism,” Last night after you left Stella asked me if you are anorexic. I did not know how to answer.”

I can’t recall what I said, or how I reacted that summer day. I do recall feeling embarrassed, somewhat shocked and unsure where to go from there.

And now, here I was, 11 years later, still thin and refusing to order any food. “What did Stella think?” I wondered. Although a saga of event, unknown to her, had occurred in the past decade, here we were, in the same boat. “Was she thinking and wondering if I am still anorexic; that the eating disorder is a sempiternal state?” I thought.  

Of course, I know I no longer have an eating disorder. And should I really care what other people think? Moreover, I should not assume what other people think, either.

This situation was one of those times I was lead into a vertiginous spiral of guilt. Was having gastroparesis my fault? If I had not deprived myself of food for so many years, would my current digestion be so screwed up?

I tell myself I will never know the answer. I tell myself it is irrelevant; it does not matter. One can only learn from one’s mistakes.

I lean back in my chair, order a hot cider, and enjoy the music.

Hello Peanut Butter

3/7/11

Eating some peanut butter today. Wow, it is amazingly good. I do not think I have eaten peanut butter for over a year. Maybe it has been two years. It is one of those items I have crossed off my list as foods that tend to lead to the “stuck stomach”. But today, I was craving it so badly, and decided to see if I could handle a small amount. I find that I can handle a small amount of most foods. I would have loved to eat your classic Pb & J sandwich, but this was not an option. All those carbs and fat at once would be a recipe for disaster. So instead, I had a few dates stuffed with peanut butter, with a dollop of raspberry jam on top. Dates are easily digested by me, so this seemed like a safer bet. It is strange to me that as a child I could eat a whole sandwich, and it would go down fine, and then I could eat dinner in a few hours. Can my mind, remembering this, train my nerves to shift, and create this lovely phenomenon again? It amazes me when I see people eating sandwiches at lunch, whether it be PB & J, or a meat and cheese and vegetable sandwich or other. I think, “Oh my god, if I ate that, I would not be hungry again for days!” And there they are, munching on potato chips on the side, not realizing (it my eyes) how lucky they are. (That being said, I have never been a lover of sandwiches or potato chips).

Along with peanut butter, there are several other foods and meals I shy away from, as they have lead to Gastroparesis attacks in the past. Again, I could probably have two or three bites of these foods, but that is not so easy to do. These food/ meals are as follows:

Harder to digest foods:

·         Pizza, calzones, or anything of the like

·         Pasta

·         Baked goods: *muffins, scones, croissants, cookies, brownies

·         Fried foods: French fries, doughnuts

·         Desserts: most contain too much fat for me to digest (including ice cream)

·         Breads: bagels, toast, sandwiches

·         Fondue, or anything with a lot of cheese

·         Rice in medium to high quantities

·         Any kind of nut butter

·         Any high fat dairy product

·         Raw fruits (except maybe melons or grapes)

·         Other random foods that upset my Gastroparesis: papaya, avocado (probably due to high fat), seitan, tempeh

Easier to digest foods/ foods that seem to stimulate digestion:

·         Cooked or pureed vegetables

·         Cooked fruits and dates

·         Vinegars

·         Mustards

·         Garlic

·         Small salads

·         Pureed tofu

·         Eggs (hard boiled, over-easy, in soufflés or other!)

·         Hot liquids

*I do eat ½ of homemade muffins sometimes, but I heat them up with water and mash them.

Wow, in writing this, it appears I can eat so little. I used to feel like that, but I have become quite the creative cook. And remember, I can eat the foods listed in “harder to digest” just in small amounts, and when I feel my digestion is flowing.

Here are two recipes I make often.

Gastroparesis recipes:

GP  Greek Soup

Ingredients:

½ chopped onion

1-2 cloves minced garlic

2-3 diced sun dried tomatoes

1-2 chopped artichokes

Small handful of spinach

1 cup vegetable broth

¼ cup balsamic vinegar

2 T. nutritional yeast (optional)

Method:  1) spray a tiny bit of olive oil onto a pan, Turn stove to medium. Add garlic and onion d sauté for 3 – 5 minutes. 2) Add sun dried tomatoes, artichokes and vegetable broth. Cook for 5 minutes over medium heat. 3) Add spinach, balsamic vinegar and nutritional yeast. Cook another 5 minutes. 4) Salt and pepper to your liking and enjoy!  

Pureed Tofu

Ingredients:

½ cup tofu

1 tsp. vegetable stock

2 T. tomato paste

2 T. mustard

2 cloves minced garlic

2 T. Green Goddess salad dressing (optional)

2 T. nutritional yeast (optional)

Salt and pepper

Method: 1)  Boil tofu in water with vegetable stock for about 10-14 minutes until well cooked. 2) Place in immersion blender with remaining ingredients. 3) Blend away! Add more or less of additives to your liking. 4) Warm up again and enjoy.