Am I Okay?

Dec. 9, 2009: “Am I Okay?”

I cancelled my gastric emptying test that was scheduled for Monday. About 6 months ago, I had a barium swallow, which showed nothing out of the ordinary. I had expected this, as when I went in, I could feel that my stomach was “flowing” normally. After doing some research over the internet and talking to another person with Gastroparesis, I decided it was not worth the $300 dollars plus out of my health savings account. From what I could tell from my research, there was nothing that the gastric emptying test would show that the barium swallow did not. It was imply to confirm the diagnosis. I felt strongly that my daily experience yielded much more weight on the diagnosis than any test. But there was a part of me questioning if it was the right thing to do.

I told Mike I had cancelled it.

“Okay Sweetie,” he replied simply.

“Well, what do you think? What is your opinion? Was that a good idea?”

He paused, looking to the side thoughtfully. “Whatever you want is fine,” he said, not giving me any insight into his turning wheels.

I pressed more. “But do you think it was okay for me to cancel it?”

Finally, the truth: “I don’t know. I mean, a part of me wonders “what if you have something more serious?” Isn’t the test to rule that out, too? I know it is very unlikely you have a tumor, but what if you do? I certainly believe in early detection and know how much we would regret it if we found out down the road we did not identify something earlier. “

Wow. I sat back in my chair staring at Mike. I had not realized he was harboring some of my same fears.

“You’ve been thinking about this?” I asked inanely.

“Of course I have!” he responded. I must admit that selfishly it made me feel better that I was not alone in my uneasiness. Since this episode of GP began, the thought of a more serious illness or disease loomed in the back corners of my mind. When I felt nothing was moving in my stomach, when I felt there was a weight in my between my breasts, I wondered if a tumor was slowly growing; blocking food and causing discomfort. Or, what if it was one of those many autoimmune disorders? I was rather familiar with chronic illnesses from my work as a medical social worker, and from episodes of the popular t.v. show “House”. I could almost hear Dr. House saying (about me) “Maybe it’s Lupus”. Or something more obscure like “Hirschsprung’s disorder” or “Whipple’s Disease”.  I pictured myself in a hospital room, bored and thinking about how much I took my “normal” life for granted: going to work, cleaning my apartment, simply enjoying home.  I knew I was visualizing the worst possible scenario, but maybe it is okay to prepare for that very small possibility?

Also, it is true that if I did not have this gastric emptying test now, and had it later as symptoms worsened, that I would never forgive myself if they actually did find something (like a tumor) , that had been growing slowly a this time. Then my doctor, waving her finger at me, could point out, “I scheduled that test for you 6 months ago and you canceled it! What were you thinking?!” 

So all this contemplation and writing to update you that, yes, I cancelled the gastric emptying test. I would rather spend my money on treatments. Would I have cancelled it if money was not an issue? I am not sure, but the cost definitely played a role in my decision making. As the healthcare debate dwindles on in this country. . .

So the question continues, “Am I okay?”

This question throbs in my head each time I eat. Last night I ate what I would consider a risky meal. It was a green salad with tomatoes and caramelized onions. Along side of the salad was some kale and artichoke dip with crackers. Very precarious in the sense that it contained raw vegetables, complex carbohydrates and cheese. What was I thinking? I had learned time and time again that moderation is crucial. As I ate and chewed. . . .chewed, chewed, chewed, I would stop and become more conscientious of my “flow”. “Am I okay??” “Is the food going down?”

I hear about people that cannot stop eating as they love what they are putting in their mouth. In fact, all of us have experienced that, myself included!! But now I do not feel it is a choice that I can at more for the pleasure of enjoying the food. It literally feels as if sometimes I have just one too many bites of a meal and that is what leads to being stuck. . .for days.

So I ask myself, “Am I okay??”