Food brings us together

Week 7: Two Crackers (with cheese)

Well, Thanksgiving has passed; the biggest eating day of the year for the United States. On the days leading up to it, I could tell things were still not “right” (pertaining to my digestion of course). Mike & I were heading down to MA to be with my family. Since I had created a list of “trigger” foods and “trigger” situations, I was well aware the travel was one of them. Indeed the day we left there was some small amounts of growling, but as we approached the state boarder I could tell that the four hour car ride was leading to stagnation. I mentally prepared myself for Thanksgiving. I pictured myself eating some squash, flavored with some fresh rosemary and a dash of salt and pepper. With all the people at the table and the commotion, I figured no one would notice.

I am not sure why I care if people notice. It is true, I feel some shame about having Gastroparesis, as I have taken it under my wing that a part of this must be my fault.  It is true that when I go to do research on the web about GP, one of the causes is a history of eating disorders. For about two years in college I denied my body the right amount of food, and exercised profusely, as my body wasted away. Surely this was related, as with several other factors.

Anyhow, back to Thanksgiving. Last month, I had shared with my family information about my new diagnosis. I felt relieved that they were all very supportive and understanding. No more did I need to give strange reasoning for my picky and unpredictable eating patterns. Before, I would say, “My stomach is f***ed up”, now I can say, “I have a medical condition. I have Gastroparesis.” I was afraid my family thought I still suffered from an eating disorder. This made me upset, because I felt so far and removed from having an eating disorder. That young woman who had an eating disorder seemed juvenile, weak and a million miles away. I was so confident that I had moved away from controlling my caloric intake and caring about body image. As a matter of fact, I wanted to gain weight! (and still do) I was so sick of people commenting on how thin I was (or am). I feel like yelling, “It is not by choice! I cannot eat like a normal person! Oh how I would love to eat cheese endlessly, to have another slice of pizza, to indulge in chocolate coated almonds. “

So yes, back to the Thanksgiving meal. I did start to feel somewhat down as the Thanksgiving day dragged on. Seeing my mother working so hard in the kitchen, making each item by scratch, made my body feel envy.  She always overdoes it;  without doubt we end up witha plethora of leftovers. I wanted to sit down with a steaming plate filled with a mound of mashed potatoes, of fresh garden green beans, whipped squash, a roll with butter dripping off, with my Mom’s slightly sour, yet delightful cranberry sauce, with my contribution of sweet potato pie, stuffing, and of course our traditional walnut loaf with burgundy sauce.  (Then pie! Pecan pie!)Despite mindfully preparing myself that I would only be able to digest a little, it was still hard to imagine not enjoying a Thanksgiving meal as one is supposed to.

One lesson I have learned with Gastroparesis, is that there is so much more to a meal than the food. Now I have more attention to be focused on my lovely family, and out delightful conversations. I have made a point with this diagnosis, to not avoid situations that involve food. Food brings families and friends together to share conversation, laughter and traditions. I was not going to let myself miss out of this important piece of life! This piece of life is more important than a piece of pie.